February 21, 2017

Hey baby, I sure miss you.  The last four or five days has been really hard.
It started on Friday. I don’t know what triggered it, but it came on during small group.
Earlier that afternoon I  had met with Chris Weedin to catch up.  I felt Ok then, just a slight feeling.
Later, during small group, I felt everything closing in on me.  I made it through, but that feeling was definitely there.
Over the weekend, I just couldn’t shake it.  Went to church on Sunday and cried my eyes out during worship.  Pastor Mark preached.  He gave a great message.  It centered on God’s covenant, and the need to center on God’s confirmation rather than our own confidence.
Well, right now, I don’t know either.  I lack the confidence to move forward (much).  I certainly am not seeing God’s confirmation.  I have so many questions.  I pray, I read, I study, I try to seek God.  I feel His presence.  But it is a quiet presence, not roaring like a lion.
There are still good times, and I do try to focus on them.
Yesterday, I took Lillie, Johnny, Lesley, and Hailie to a movie.  Those two little ones are such a blessing.  We sat together.  Johnny would hug me.  Lillie would put her head on my shoulder.  That surely was God trying to comfort me in that moment.
But, then, I get home and the loneliness comes back. I think of you constantly.  I miss you.
“Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.  I want to see you” (song playing on the radio right now).  I want to see you, too, my honey.  I want you so much.
Lord, please come to me with your presence, and peace.  Let me feel my honey, let me remember her.  But, rather than pain, turn this into something positive.  Help me move onto another chapter in my life with her memories by my side.